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I've deleted three posts today... they didn't make it to the net.
I'm unable to describe my feelings. I'm flat... torn... my eyes are hurt and beg for tears that won't come.

I've no reasons to feel like this... no rights.
It's just that I'm weak... and I hate that.
I hate to loose... I hate to explain...

My mind tells me I should play like everyone does... get what I want... waste my time... fight for the first place.
Forget about everyone else and their feelings if they're not like you'd like them to be.
But you already know that... your mind probably tells you the same and many of you even listen to her. :-)

My soul wants me dead just for thinking I might give it a try.

It sucks... I'm here with hundreds of things to say and no strength, no breath, no courage.
I'm not scared of the pain... I'm scared of success... I'm scared of being myself once again.

I feel addict to this weakness... the way people forgive you for being egoist and dumb.


I don't wanna feel like this... I DON'T.
I'll hang on to the pain and see what happens.

In the meanwhile, I'm sorry... for what, you shall decide.


I won't decide. I never thought to hear you saying "I'm sorry"... why should you say so?
Maybe it's too ironic and of course i misunderstood it.
I really liked the comparison between someone else's forgiveness and drugs...
I didn't mean to be ironic... I feel sorry for real.
I don't know how to explain it, though.
Non essendo piu' in grado di badare neppure a me stessa, e affetta oramai da progressiva astenia neuro-linguistica...non intravedo alcuna via giusta per donarti almeno una parvenza di sollievo. Oltre il mio nulla, vedo solo vuoto.

Ma TU sai che vorrei.
Sai QUANTO lo vorrei.

Forse basta questo.

In your life, there is a moment you don't realize it, but you bleed into a time when you become aware of your capabilities and accept them.
So, you become less hesitant.
Tu non mi basti mai... :)

Non leggere quello che scrivo... tanto sai gia' quel che intendo.
Non hai bisogno di darmi sollievo... quella parte di emozioni dolorose e' fisiologica. La tua presenza e' una costante (anche se silenziosa) che non metterei mai in discussione. E che va benissimo cosi'.

Siamo gente complicata... :P

March 2010

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